Insomnia
by RoviAdams1013
Summary: Inspired by that 9x03 sneak peek. A little story about Harvey and his first night alone after IT happened.


_This is the first fic I write for Suits and the first time I write in English. It's been years since the last time I wrote a fanfic. Sorry if there's any grammar mistake. It's hard to publish when there are so many good writers in this fandom._

**Insomnia**

He looked at the clock once more and ran his hand through his hair trying to control his thoughts. In front of him, his mobile did not ring or vibrate. Sometimes he felt it was smiling at him, mocking him. Who knew? A man whose work depended on using words was unable to make a call and erase any doubt. He had become a helpless child huddled in a corner of his bedroom on a stormy night.

The bottle of whiskey flirted with him again, but his determination not to drink was stronger. If he wanted to keep his sanity, he had to stay sober. He didn't need incentives for the monsters of his insecurity, those who waited impatiently to come out of the closet and attack him until they devoured him.

Tonight's script was unknown. Since the day he made the most important decision of his life and appeared as a frantic madman knocking on her door as if his life depended on it, he hadn't had to spend a night alone, nor to send a good night message, nor to hear her voice wishing she were by his side. She was there, night after night, in his arms, enveloping him in her perfume, drawing him to the sweetest abyss like a siren song.

But tonight...

He rubbed his eyes again and stood up. He was sure that nothing had happened to her because he was her emergency contact. She had probably fallen asleep or was so immersed in work that she arrived at her apartment automatically, thinking they were staying there tonight. And once there, she didn't feel like calling or bothering him, or she was going to call him after taking a shower, but she was so tired that her eyes closed before dialing.

Or maybe she met a friend and was having some drinks.

Or maybe she just didn't want to come.

Before diving into the tight feeling in his chest, he sat down again. They didn't have to spend every night together. Did they? It was something they haven't discussed yet because seeing each other after work, having dinner together, making love, and going to sleep was the new routine that had settled into their lives so naturally that he couldn't remember what life was before.

He knew that he was living in a kind of bubble where everything was perfect, even though the world was falling apart because Donna was able to make him forget anything when she was in front of him and he got lost in her eyes.

What if she didn't feel that way?

Standing up again, walking back and forth, he tried to shake those absurd thoughts. Donna felt the same way he did, he didn't need to hear it. His eyes found the door and stayed there for a few minutes. She would surely open it at any moment and all his worry would be in vain and he would laugh about it alone because he wouldn't be able to tell her how stupid and dramatic he could be.

But everything remained the same. No one entered through that door, the phone remained silent and the hours passed without mercy. It was late, very late... so much so that he preferred not to receive any call because it couldn't be good. His feet led him to the kitchen, where he drank a glass of water and felt that void in his stomach again. He didn't have dinner, he was waiting for her. But knowing for sure that he would not see her, he wasn't hungry.

Without thinking about it, he went to the living room, took his phone and went on to his bedroom. He was avoiding going in there because everything smelled of her and his silly thoughts would torment him again. They were so ridiculous that he couldn't help laughing as he took off his clothes and went into the shower. The cold water would surely take all the stupid ideas away and then he would be able to sleep and leave behind another stressful day.

None of that happened.

While taking a shower, his mind played dirty tricks and set a scenario where he would go back to his bedroom and Donna would be waiting for him in bed, with her typical Donna smile, aware of what she was doing, driving him crazy and torturing him with the wait and the suspense.

What he found instead was an empty bed with no trace of the woman who was turning him into the man he had always wanted to be.

He dressed in automatic mode, not thinking about the clothes he was putting on. He didn't have to impress anyone. That night he was alone, like many other times, not knowing what to do with himself. He went to his bed, put his mobile on the table next to him and laid down.

Looking at the ceiling was something he had never done before. He had never had time for existential moments, but as they say... there is always a first time for everything. And he realized that the roof had nothing to say to him, that what he was feeling was something new and he wasn't liking it because he didn't know how to deal with it.

He didn't even close his eyes because it was clear to him that he wouldn't achieve anything with that. Donna wasn't going to make it; neither was sleep. From the moment he put his head on the pillow, her scent invaded his body and he unconsciously extended his arm to touch her. In that second he realized that the solution to his insomnia was a few miles away, a phone call away, but his pride prevented him from succumbing to his desires and appearing more vulnerable than he had been the last week.

Why not go one step lower?

Because of the very same reason he was about to fall into that abyss called panic.

Fear of losing her. Fear of showing her that his need and his love was so strong that his life had no meaning without her. Fear of her walking away when she saw the intensity of his feelings.

And that's how the sun found him... embraced by doubts.


End file.
